MINDSETS FOR FATHERHOOD #2

Recalling “Event + Response = Outcome”…

Something happens, we react/respond to it, and this creates a direction or outcome.
Beliefs are what shape perceptions to events (how we interpret them).
Beliefs are what shape our response to an event (which leads to what we do).
Outcomes are too far down the chain to control them, but… attitudes about events and beliefs that drive responses which impact outcome ARE in our control.

This is the basic principle of thought management – knowing what we can and can not control, and knowing how to use our energy. This is a key to building better mindsets, which are useful in smoothing some of the rough spots that comes with raising kids.

FD16 covered how attitudes and beliefs start with the images and words we hold about ourselves and how we perceive things in the world. In order to shift these things in any meaningful way – or to build more desirable beliefs about self and world – it starts with noticing feelings, moods, and the words we use. From there we can use tools to adjust, such as reframing challenges – like looking at what is in our control and what is not in our control or finding an alternative perspective. Lastly, over time, we can rewire the brain to more desirable beliefs and actions.

Developing productive mindsets isn’t a race. It’s a lifelong journey. Beliefs and mindsets that are in the more positive direction foster more self control. Again – this isn’t about being positive all the time, it’s about a focus on the things we can control and finding ways to lean into struggle and challenge, and maybe even with some enjoyment.

Building on the FD16…

REFRAMING

Try This

Manage Expectations

This can be hard for many dads. Expectations are simply strong beliefs about something that will happen in the future. They involve beliefs about what we expect from ourself, from situations, and from other people. It’s the same bucket as a focus on the outcome. Putting energy into something one has little to no control over is like sitting in a rocking chair – it gives you something to do but it doesn’t really get you anywhere.

When it comes to kids and co-parenting – there is a constantly changing bundle of unpredictability. Modern life is much more chaotic than 20 years ago and we have more decisions to make daily. The trouble is that the brain builds expectations from our experiences and we often ignore the unknown or the dumb luck. As you plan for a trip, make a meal, plan a play activity, or aim to get work done during baby nap time – be realistic with what you can vs want to accomplish or get done. Reframe the WANT to a realistic CAN.

This is often a significant aspect on the path to greatness in athletics – the balance of expectations, reality, and confidence. It’s similar to how parents build self-efficacy (confidence based on past success and learning that helps you better navigate future challenges).

Be wary of false confidence or overconfidence. While a “fake it until you make it” attitude can be helpful in certain contexts (see dopamine topic below), once it doesn’t align with actual performance, it comes at a higher cost to self and reputation to others. It all goes back to realistic expectations.

Watch Assumptions

Assumptions are beliefs that something is factual or true but without having proof. Assumptions are “filling in the blanks without the facts”.

Some assumptions are good, some aren’t so great. Assume there might be a speed trap ahead – slow down, avoid a ticket – nice! Assume everyone is out to get you – probably not as productive. But we make assumptions all the time, especially with kids – are they hungry, tired, wanting something – we start with assumptions, and we correct those over time to be more informed.

Assumptions are a nuance within expectations (and even some expectations are more akin to assumptions). Both play a role in our perceptions of the world and our place in it. Watching assumptions is a super skill. Expert problem solvers often have mastery of assumptions – with the ability to curate useful assumptions about a problem while flagging assumptions that need to be checked or avoided.

Assumptions can get a bit scary when we act on them or make a hard core commitment to a plan based on a belief with no supporting evidence. It opens the door to a lot of unnecessary struggle and failure if reality deviates from the assumption.

Building this is as simple as reframing what is known from what is not known. From there, accept that there are things you don’t know. Could you be missing something that would shift the perception in a more desirable direction? Reframing assumptions can shift perceptions about events and responses.

With reframing – sometimes it might come down to seeing certain situations as “it is what it is” while acknowledging the positive/negative in order to practice how to navigate it. This process and perspective helps build better beliefs over time. It also helps us learn when to tap in and when to tap out.

BUILDING BETTER BELIEFS

Second in line to a growth mindset is a flexible mindset. Adaptability gives us options. And with babies – it can be key to sanity – we can do things we think will help a baby, like creating a routine, but in the end, the baby might not always have the same plans. If we approach things with a flexible mindset, then thought and expectation management become much easier.

Being in the language window, the use of conditional language is one way to promote flexibility.

Conditional language (vs absolute language) keeps the mind open and flexible, helps the mind access a wider range of concepts and experiences in trying to understand a subject, and is a foundation for critical thinking. Conditional language will have some flexibility to it – “you might be able to do it that way” vs “this is the only way it can be done”.

Research has shown this as well – children who receive absolute instructions (this is how you hold your hand) had a more difficult time adapting to unexpected changes than those who received instructions via conditional language (one way to hold your hand might be).

Language impacts how the brain solves problems and perceives challenge. Having some flexibility of thought, expectation, and language can help the brain in more divergently finding a way forward.

Another area to consider is in learning to ride with the ebbs and flows of life. A useful belief in this area is: This too shall pass. The good times will pass so savor those moments. The bad times will pass, so don’t hold on. Or said another way, often attributed to Bruce Lee:

Attitudes and beliefs are a product of knowledge. Each firing and wiring reinforces the next firing and wiring. From time to time it might be useful to ask oneself – “Is the focus on the right thing?”.

We can’t go much further in this topic without looking at how growth happens in the brain.

Much of the physical process behind updating beliefs comes from the chemicals and the hormones in the body and brain and how those play the game with the firing and the wiring of the brain itself. Much of this is tied to short acting, almost instantaneous chemicals called neurotransmitters. Specifically, a chemical in the brian called dopamine is the one that gets most of the spotlight. Many people have heard of this as the “dopamine hit” in context of what makes social media addictive. While there is a component to that, it doesn’t tell the entire story. The interactions of these brain chemicals (including serotonin) are continuously being invested and researched and no surprise – they have very complex overlapping interactions.

For now, we can focus on firing and wiring and neuroplasticity and how the neurotransmitter dopamine plays a role in strengthening those firing/wiring circuits of activity. These are typically tied to behaviors, motivation, goals. Knowing the science of this can help us gain more control over the process.

Dopamine is often thought to be tied to the reward of achieving a goal, but it is also dripped in during the pursuit of a goal – along the path of learning. Essentially, anytime we push through or find energy in doing hard things, as we go through learning and we take forward action (even if it starts as “fake it to make it”), that pursuit is bathed in dopamine. When the goal is achieved, there is another opportunity for dopamine reward upon completion. In neuroscience it’s a theory called “dopamine prediction error”. Dopamine is involved in process (cue) and at goal (reward), and when reward dopamine hits don’t align with expectation, essentially, there is an error. A dopamine reward mismatch (expectation) is what often causes disappointment, and can sometimes be devastating – when we work hard for something but put a lot of focus on the outcome, and the outcome doesn’t meet the expectations. We don’t get the expected dopamine hit to bookend the chase of the goal.

Essentially – the brain science behind behavior change and more positive mindsets is also to focus on the journey and to subjectively reward ourselves along the pursuit of goal. As you do the small things – give yourself credit for it – give that pat on the back. Over time you can gain control of the dopamine response along the journey – which then becomes a game changer of a super power.

There is a lot of power in “finding comfort in discomfort”, in learning to “focus on the journey, not the outcome”, and managing expectations (beliefs about how things might go).

It’s the hunt that matters, not the kill.

Listen to neuroscientist, Andrew Huberman, break down the brain science of growth mindsets, including much more dopamine. [YouTube, about 4 min, from linked starting place] *the entire interview is good if you have time

When we bring it all together… we can demystify how and why motivation and growth work.

Identity is shaped by attitudes, beliefs and experiences starting in childhood. Identity relates to our basic values that dictate the choices we make. We fulfill identity through repeated processes, actions, and/or habits. Experiences at all stages can update our beliefs, and our beliefs are best spent on the things we can control or influence.

A good place to focus on to achieve change in the thoughts and actions – the process and habits because, ultimately, change doesn’t often happen without action. When we put relentless focus on the journey and the reward in the journey itself (leverage that dopamine process) – this is how we can shape a new identity and new mindsets that better help us push through and reach goals. It’s hard, but possible.

As an example – if someone sets a goal to lose 15lbs or drink less, this only works until the goal is reached. And often, there might not have been the right focus on how to get there and then how to maintain it.

Instead, habits of healthier eating and regular movement – these are processes that lead to patterns which might update identity to value actions that are more sustainable.

And that’s mindsets – a powerful tool that can support the journey.