BABY FEELS

Your baby will get frustrated at some point (at a lot of points), if they haven’t already, and although the complexity behind frustration may be lost on them, it’s useful to begin to explore ways to explain what things like frustration are – big new feelings and emotions can be “confusing” for kids. Being in the language window, we can begin the coaching process of “Name it to Tame it” to not only build on language skills and the dad-kid bond, but also continue foundational work for guiding healthy emotional development. This labeling, discussion, and curiosity around various feelings and emotions lays the groundwork for future understanding of why emotion, like frustration, bubble up and boil over. Refer for FD15 for the Power of Why.

But First… What’s an Emotion?

The emotional life of a human impacts the way we see the world and almost every decision we make. While there is still plenty of mystery as to why we have emotions, researchers are getting closer to understanding. So what’s the difference between a feeling and an emotion, or a mood, and what is “affect”? Note: There is a LOT of confusion around this topic.

Definitions…

It’s useful to think about these concepts in terms of time scales, or how long we are in those states and what level of attention we give them. From shortest, to longest…

Emotions
These are very short lived, intense feelings. Emotions often have a physical action associated with them. Emotions are typically directed at a source or are very specific. Emotions often, but not always, have certain facial expressions and body language with them. The six basic universal emotions (tho some researchers argue more, others less) are anger, surprise, fear, disgust, happiness, and sadness. Note that all of these tend to have action to them if you imagine them.

Feelings
Feelings are typically much longer lived than emotions. “Feelings” is more often used to label internal sensations, very much related and connected to our biology. These internal sensations or things we can sense (part of our sense of interoception, see FD06) – we call feelings, because we are feeling that way. The word “feeling” is often interchangeable with emotions, but only because we don’t say we are emoting angry, we say we are feeling angry.

Mood
Moods last longer than feelings, from hours to days, and tend to be less specific and less intense than feelings or emotions. Moods generally lean positive or negative while encompassing a range of feelings. Moods don’t always need a specific context or trigger.

Affect
“Affect” encompasses everything above – feelings, moods, and emotions. It is underlying or core to them all. It is often considered the positive (pleasure) or negative (displeasure) state of being, alongside the energy in the nervous system. Core affect can be thought of as a measure at any given time of our relationship to an environment. It is a “filter” through which things impact us. Affect is used in how the brain regulates the body – playing into the ability to be calm (behavior), to find focus and attention, and take information in (learning, decision making).

Consider hydration as an analogy. Our overall hydration and how our body monitors that would be like affect. Being well hydrated or slightly less hydrated could be like a mood. Feeling thirst build as a signal of needing to pay attention to hydration levels would be like feeling. ”Dying for water”, actively searching to quench thirst would be like an emotion – where the feeling has tipped into focused action.

Given that each of these words refers to distinct mind and body experiences, it is helpful to understand the differences in order to label these clearly and carefully. This helps make communication about things like feelings and emotions a little easier. This also helps shine a light on why “happiness” isn’t exactly a great goal, because it is a passing state that comes and goes, like cloudy days or blue skies.

We good? Cool.

Time to help shuffle that emotional development along by giving some focus to naming and labeling emotions and feelings, in baby, in ourselves, and in others. Why? Naming is part of the identification process, which then allows one to engage in an emotional regulation technique (eventually). Example: “I’m mad, I’m going to take slow breaths” or “I’m sad, I’m going to read a book”. Naming is the first step in learning to identify feelings and emotions, it helps teach kids that feelings are normal, and it shows that the caregiver is there with them. When we can name it, we can better tame it (together, for now).

Try This

Expand Your Emotion Vocabulary

Anytime you are exploring a feeling, emotion, or sensation (in yourself, others, or baby)… try to give it three names… and avoid the simplistic/shallow ones of good, okay, or bad. See below for some springboards.

A Path to Emotion Mastery

If you would like to explore earning a black belt in emotions, consider the evidence based RULER model from Dr Marc Brackett of Yale University.

A high level overview of RULER, with pointers for home can be found in this PDF download. The book, Permission to Feel, which is often recommended reading for parents via daycare centers and preschools, can be purchased from Dr Brackett’s website here – or skip the book and catch the presentation [YouTube, 1 hour 4 min]. Or read my book review/notes in this PDF download.

Below is an added layer to emotion and feeling words, and how they peel back in the onion. Click the image to expand. This makes a good print out for the Daddy Art Gallery.

Books at Emotion Guides

Books are incredible as a way to teach unfamiliar concepts in a casual way, from books about the dentist or doctor, to books about emotions. Here are a few FD favorites.

Oh David! (A Diaper David Book)
Oops! (A Diaper David Book)
Baby Faces (Look Baby! Books)
The Feelings Book
Lots of Feelings

Pointer: You can try most books before you buy if you search youtube for a read along of the book of interest. Check the graphics, language, cadence – check if you’d even like reading the book. Also – most libraries have a large kids selection. Librarians can often make recommendations.

Our emotional lives are both outside and internal, and the words we shape our perceptions and can shape the identity of our children. We can only teach what we know. It helps to have an awareness of this, as numerous studies have shown that fathers and mothers talk differently to sons vs daughters, with sons getting less words, less emotional words, and less vocal discussion of emotional topics. Labeling and talking about emotions builds self-regulation and makes it less likely that they will resort to aggressions as toddlers, such as biting or hitting.

Children who can regulate their emotions are better at soothing themselves when they are upset, which means that they experience negative emotions for a shorter period of time (less allostatic load). But this is 100% not about avoiding negative emotions – negative emotions are part of life. Rather it’s in the recovery from these feelings that is the key. Life comes and goes with ups and down – it’s how we learn to navigate these things that is important.

Path to Emotional Stability

The science of human development has come a long way in the last 20-30 years. We know more than ever, but there is still a lot to explore (and a lot to learn). Digging a little deeper into the science of emotions…

We know that emotions are wired into our biology for survival.

We process information from the world through our senses to try to understand if something is a threat or an opportunity. Emotions are part of this evoked response, activated by our senses.

We know that while emotions are part of our wiring, they are also shaped by our childhood experiences, environment, and culture.

We can feel what others feel – partly through mirror neurons, and this concept is a foundational part of developing empathy.

Emotions underpin much of our ability to think (cognition).
Lengthy/frequent negative emotional states have negative mental and physical impact.

What seems clear is that the better one is at knowing their feelings and emotions, and those of others, the more equipped they will be for the journey through modern life. High emotional intensity might be tied to aspects of burn out. For men raised in homes where emotions were best stuffed in a box, this can be a challenging, but noble endeavor.

But how does this relate to the very earliest part of life? This is where temperament comes in.

Temperament, at birth, can be thought of as the “presets” that a baby is born with, for how to approach and react to the world. This influences early affect states and dictates the intensity of how emotions are expressed. Research shows that around 20% of infants come out with a more sensitive temperament or a bit more intensity in their emotional reactions to changes, routines, sleep, crowds, noise, etc. This is what is happening behind the scenes when people talk about an “easy baby” vs a “challenging baby”. It’s often rooted in aspects of temperament – and if mom or dad tend to have calm personalities while baby is more of a short fuse, this can cause some friction due to the “personality mismatch”.

While most researchers agree on what temperament is generally, there are a lot of temperament models, or ways to approach thinking about temperament, though less research is about infants. There are very simple 3 factor approaches that reduce temperament to easy, sensitive, or intense. There are 5 factor models that cover emotional intensity/reactivity, activity level, sociability, coping with change, and frustration tolerance. There are 9 factor models, which I personally find most useful that add in other dimensions. A quick 9 factor assessment can be found here. It not only helps one think about their baby, but also has some recommendations for activities when there is a mismatch between their energy and your energy.

This is all just research that tries to describe the ebbs and flow of biologically wired action, and can be very helpful for parents in identifying feelings of frustration with the emotional state of babies and kids. This can help parents with finding the right level of support in the journey of building emotional stability.

This isn’t always easy, and can be a little awkward, but again – no better to time practice than while you are in a judgement free zone with the kiddo. There is also a Dad benefit here. Through the exploration of facial expressions, depths of emotions,and the process of teaching these things to a child through fun play – this skill will also bleed into your ability to better read these things in your partner, your boss, people you meet, and yourself. Funny thought, but who is the real teacher here…

In closing, being a father isn’t about being perfect. No one is perfect, we all have different circumstances, and all have different availability and accessibility in both physical and emotional presence. It’s about a journey of learning and passing on what we can to help another fully explore and develop aspects of self.

This section has tidbits from around the web that are typically on Dads minds.

App (iOS only, for now): How We Feel

How We Feel is a free app created by scientists, designers, engineers, and therapists to help everyone better understand their own emotions. Conceived in conjunction with Yale University’s Center for Emotional Intelligence and based on the work of Dr Marc Brackett, How We Feel helps you find the right word to describe how you feel, track your emotions and spot patterns over time, and find strategies to help you use your emotions in the moment.