THE WORDS WE USE

Expressing thoughts clearly is a hard-earned skill. When we watch our words we can become masters of interpersonal relationships. This is as good a time as any to consider how words shape the worlds of our children now vs the hopes we have for them in later life. Below are two areas of how word choice may shape outcomes for children – for your consideration.

Little Boys vs Little Girls

Numerous studies have shown that parents speak and behave differently toward sons and daughters. Even parent brain function differs based on child gender.

A few recent studies have looked solely at fathers. They showed that fathers sing and smile more to their daughters. Fathers also used more emotional language and more body-related words to girls. Dads used less emotional language with boys, while using more words with an achievement emphasis, such as “win” and “proud”. Dads also tended to be more patient with tantrums and outbursts in little girls, yet were, on average, more reactive with boys. Dad brains also showed more reward seeing a happy face on a daughter vs a happy face on a son. A side note: mothers appear twice as likely to be more critical of their daughters vs sons.

There is also a difference in the words used to represent the same concepts. We say cat to boys. We say kitty cat to girls – a “cuter” form of the same thing. These are subconscious stereotypes that even the most open-minded parents likely have. To be clear – this isn’t really an issue – more of a “good to be aware of”.

These subconscious approaches also tend to shape how we build play experiences for babies and children – because words shape behaviors. Dads, for instance, tend to do more of the physical play with their kids – yet boys get over 3x the amount of rough-and-tumble play (at an appropriate age) while girls get 4x the amount of being advised to be careful. Neither boys or girls are more fragile than the other, biologically speaking, yet physicality of play appears to influence a child’s future level of physical confidence – and daughters tend to get less.

Culturally, and often without knowing it, we are shaping the world view and identity of our kids by the words they are exposed to and how we use those words. This can limit the emotional vocabulary of boys and set girls up to proceed with caution. A little awareness of certain tendencies goes a long way. Again, this does not mean you need to treat your kid any differently than you might naturally, per say, but rather be aware of if you are doing something automatically because of their gender versus if you are supporting them in the things you know they like or don’t like or that will help them develop aspects of self.

Words that Constrain

There are many words and phrases that are easy to say but may have a longer term negative impact. For example – the word “Shy”. Having a tendency toward being an introvert or extrovert is linked to our temperament/personality, which is influenced by our genetics. It’s mostly out of our control, however, the way we think about it is in our control.

Often when a child is slow to warm up in new situations, we say that the child is shy. Being shy, however, as a label is a word with a negative stigma in western culture. Shy = bad. It is characterized by when you want to interact but are unable to do so, mainly due to psychological reasons like fears and anxiety. On the other hand, replacing the label “Shy” with the word “Reserved” may describe the situation better. Being reserved is a state of having no particular desire to communicate or interact with people in that moment or just observing (warming up) until there is a desire.

Word choice can have a long term impact on how a child views themself. Being labeled “shy”, for example, can feel like a trait – something that can’t be changed. Being “reserved” in a situation gives control to the child in that situation. When we use words as labels they are more likely to turn into aspects of identity that constrain, even if they are positive labels like “smart”.

If you have ever been told that you “always” or “never” do something – it can be a bit frustrating because it’s rarely accurate. Communication like this can be a non-contact form of fighting. It’s often easier to remember the verbal lashings of the past or the horrible things someone has said – the absolutes or the labels. It wasn’t the spilled milk but rather it was the things said about the spilled milk. We made a mess but we are not a messy person. We had an accident but we are not forever clumsy. We failed at things but that doesn’t mean we are a failure. Words carry meaning.

NOTE: In no way is having awareness of language or words meant to be soft or sugar coating or cottling. Oftentimes simple awareness makes the most difference in how we form our thoughts and behaviors. Remembering how we talk to children is important as it is a big part of how they form the way they view themselves. Words can shape their identity and their self-worth. And remember, no one is perfect, however we can’t get any better if we aren’t open to giving it a shot.

Why should we consider the words we use? Is there more to it?

Scientific research is clear that the words we use can shape our behaviors and our paths in life. They can shape our perceptions of ourselves, of others, and even preferences.

Research suggests that the ability for a child to label a boy or girl happens between ages 18 and 24 months, and most children can categorize their own gender by age 3 years.

A 2010 study showed gender based toy preferences (ex: boys liking cars, girls like dolls) seem to emerge between the ages of 9 and 18 months – and is stronger in males.

A January 2020 meta analysis (a study of studies) showed that there do seem to be gender typical preferences to toys from age 3 to 7 – with boys preferring vehicles, tools, and blocks while girls preferred dolls, kitchen toys, and art related toys.

But these studies have yet to look at if/how early words shaped these preferences. While some kids naturally gravitate to singing, dancing, climbing, rough and tumble play and some don’t – in very early life, it may not have much to do with if they are a boy or a girl, and may be more related to how perceptions and words shape early experience. We give girls dolls and boys cars. Girls get books about ponies while boys get books about superheroes. These subconscious actions may set differences in motion from an early age.

While it’s unclear how much or how exactly this shapes their future, it’s hard to ignore. For instance, the types of toys that boys tend to be exposed to, for example, appear to promote the development of more spatial skills earlier in their brain wiring than girls. Some researchers believe this gap may be tied to subconscious boy/girl stereotypes that shape early life experiences.

An August 2020 study has added further support that suggests that cultural stereotypes may be learned from language. These include ideas that men are more suited for paid work and leadership and women are more suited for taking care of the home and family. It is further noted that this may contribute to more males and less females in careers in science, technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM).

Will people treat this baby differently if seen as a boy or a girl? Listen closely to the words they use.
[YouTube, 3min 4sec]

When we add in labels and absolutes – it constrains things even more. While there is a lot still unknown, the research does support that our words have a role in shaping the later social and intellectual development of children.

Dove explored what it means to do things “like a girl”. Grab some tissues my man – this one goes for the heart strings, especially if you have a daughter. [YouTube, 3min 18sec]

And this is important as society changes, especially if it changes more rapidly than the last 50 years. Our children will need more strength for the things to come.

A 2017 study of 101,685 adolescents ages 12-17 years, using data from 2009-2014, showed that females, at the age of 12, are 2.8 times more likely to develop depression than males, and between 3.1 and 4.0 times as likely as males to develop depression at the ages 13 through 16. These numbers have been slowly increasing since the 2014 data was analyzed. Additionally, the gap between male and female youth suicide rates is narrowing in the US as of 2015.

This is a reality of raising humans and we can do better. It’s on us to help shape a stronger generation after us.