MINDSETS FOR FATHERHOOD

Mindset is a popular word these days. Getting to the foundation – it’s simply a word that describes “thought management”. It’s the set of beliefs, attitudes and assumptions that we have about who we are and how the world works. These attitudes and beliefs shape our experiences and behavior.

Beliefs develop from simple to complex, are shaped heavily by experiences in childhood, and evolve and change over time – even moment to moment. The more depth, wider perspective, and positive these attitudes and beliefs, the greater the ability to navigate more unknowns and to find comfort in the uncomfortable.

Regardless of how we are each individually wired (everyone has a different world view) or where we are at in our own context and personal journey – there is always room for improvement, or at least more understanding (to be passed to our children).

The most foundational rule is this…

Event + Response = Outcome

Beliefs are what shape perceptions to events (how we interpret them).
Beliefs are what shape our response to an event (this leads to what we do).

Events are sometimes out of our control.
Beliefs about events and beliefs that drive responses ARE in our control.

This is Thought Management 101

The progression of Mindsets for Fatherhood starts with awareness. FD16 focuses more on awareness and getting the foundation set. This will develop further with tools like reframing, and finally with building better beliefs that grow capabilities over time. Future progressions cover those in more detail.

AWARENESS

Tweaks start with awareness of current patterns and being mindful of our mental states, including moods. Awareness helps to slow down the event/response process so a more beneficial belief can be developed. Each time you go through this loop the brain fires and wires. Over time, with awareness, it becomes easier to default to a more productive process.

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Knowledge is what shifts words and thoughts, which shifts actions and behavior, which shifts who we are. New information – when internalized, explored, and acted upon – becomes knowledge. We either develop this in ourselves through awareness or we get it from experiences, including information we process.

Example:
Fairly soon you’ll get the (fun) experience of a baby throwing food on the floor.
Here’s how words (from beliefs) might drive thoughts and shape our perception of and response to this event.
“You are a messy kid” – Are they messy (as a fixed label that defines them)?
“You are making a mess” – Are they making a mess (ugh more work)?
“You are making a mess because you are learning” – Are they experimenting and learning about their world through a process that results in what you call a mess?
“You are learning a lot by making this mess. I’ll accept it, since it’s a temporary phase, and I’ll show you some other ways to learn this. You haven’t learned, YET, that this kind of mess tires me” -> Ah ha!

Everyone falls into a different place in that event, and the response may fluctuate based on it being a good day, how you slept, or if you are running late. Awareness, over time, can help build more positive attitudes and buffers towards a given subject/context and how you perceive yourself in that context.

Start here for now. Awareness is about noticing.
There is a full progression on the words we use in the coming months.

REFRAMING

Reframing is a tactic or tool that involves looking at how a current attitude, belief, or situation could be viewed from a different, typically more positive, perspective.

Event + Response = Outcome

Humans are basic like this. You can reframe the event or reframe how you respond to the event. The event could be an external situation with a baby screaming or not sleeping or it could be an inner thought we have about our own worth in a moment. Either way, reframing can change an outcome in the moment or in the future. Reframing gives practice in trying on different beliefs.

The above applies to all humans – adults and kids. Adults have more thinky thinky parts than kids so the response is more nuanced (complex). The response for kids is weighted more emotional (simple) vs thoughtful/logical for a bit.

For Thought Management 101…

Consider the foundational framework – The Sphere of Influence/Control.

How it Works
– Acknowledge what you can and cannot control.
– Focus on what you can control.
– Focus on the journey (the aspects of the events and responses you can influence/control) vs the outcome.
Note: you may not always be able to control the event but you can certainly control the response to some extent.

Example:
Set up structure for the baby to succeed, like a routine, but accept that the baby might not always have the same plans you have.

Typically when we act negatively to a situation it is due to missing information, irrational thoughts, and focus on things we can’t control. If the feeling is negative, aim to reframe toward the positive with what is in YOUR sphere of influence/control. This helps curate a more adaptable mind.

Future progression will dive into more tactics like managing expectations and assumptions and keeping it light in the moment while balancing against the big picture. If you just can’t wait – reach out.

BUILDING NEW BELIEFS

More productive beliefs will build naturally through awareness and reframing. At some stage the addition of meditative practices, journaling, and routines of gratitude can become powerful tools for those that find enjoyment and benefit (and have time) in these practices. For now, the focus is on the foundation to building better beliefs, and it’s just that – things that bring enjoyment.

Fact: Positive experiences drive more positive emotional and physiological states. Let’s find those moments. Caveat – what brings you enjoyment is unique to you. It might be a run, some music, a creative project, a long hot shower. It might be friends or a hobby you have less time for now.

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Thought Management isn’t about living in a fantasy world where we deny reality. Life dishes out nut shots from time to time. It is what it is, and this too shall pass. Part of raising a kid with good outcomes is about helping them develop many aspects of self, and their journey is a time for Dad to do the same. It’s useful to develop the skill of being aware of beliefs and having the courage to be vulnerable and to accept that we have room to grow, to be better, to know when to push and to know when to rest – to know what to pursue, and what to let go of.

Developing productive attitudes and beliefs isn’t a race. It’s a lifelong journey. We’ve got you covered in the coming months – so cheers to the adventure.

Our attitudes and beliefs of how we view something or ourselves guide most of our behavior – especially related to navigating a challenge, decision, or obstacle in life.

We build our values (what we find important in life) from these beliefs and our beliefs are tied in part to how our brains are wired. We all have brains that wire differently, influenced by genetics, personality traits, childhood experiences and much more. Some people have predispositions to being more negative. Some have predispositions to being more positive. And our brains are actually built to remember negative things with more detail. Regardless of where we are, we can work with what we have, and there is always room for improvement.

There is also a moment to moment “state of mind” where brain chemistry influences our mental states (and moods), just as our mental states influence our brain chemistry. This has an impact on our attitudes and reactions in certain situations. The human body is a complex and very interconnected system, and it’s useful to remember that about ourselves, and about our children as we explore and teach them about their behavior.

Plato and Socrates knew that beliefs were important back in 400 B.C. summarized by the phrase “Know Thyself”. Decartes, in the 1600’s, added “I think, therefore I am”. Philosophers and scientists have long studied and explored how internal thoughts, beliefs and attitudes might shape our path in life.

Mindset, the word itself, came to be in the early 1900’s to describe habits of the mind or habits of thinking. This area was bolstered by research on optimism in the mid 1990s, wider acceptance of positive psychology in the late 1990s, and grew popular in the public eye in 2007, with the book Mindset from Carol Dweck. Dweck coined the terms growth mindset and fixed mindset, concepts designed to describe the degree to which one believes their intelligence and talent are fixed or can be changed with work.
Note: Optimism is an attitude that enables people to view the world, other people and events in the most favorable and positive light possible, given the circumstance.

In science, much of the recent work around mindsets has been to understand and label these mindsets and dissect how they impact areas of life and wellbeing.

Particularly in Carol Dweck’s research on the Power of Belief [Ted Talk, 10min 12sec] – a growth or fixed mindset could be determined by answering questions about beliefs related to the statements “You are either born with talent or you are not” and “You are either born with intelligence or you are not”. If one agrees with those statements, Dweck would consider that a more fixed or rigid mindset. In a growth or flexible mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work, and that brains and talent are just the starting point. This growth mindset is then related to a love of learning and more resilience – both of which are essential for accomplishment.

But what if the concept of “mindset” is overcomplicating things? This speaks to the importance of science that questions science. This also re-emphasizes that science is a continuum of understanding and revising. Recent research in 2019 and 2020 has raised the question that “Mindset Theory” might only work if Carol Dweck is doing the study.

Dweck’s work has been very important, however if we simplify away from the term “mindset” back down to just “attitudes and beliefs that help or hinder” – about our self, our situations, and challenge – we can draw from numerous studies that show how our thoughts are indeed interconnected with many aspects of well being and life outcomes. Regardless of what it’s called, research is now fairly conclusive that most things, even talent and intelligence, are in fact malleable – they can be changed if we believe that they can be changed AND do the hard work to change them over time (this is where the nuance comes in).

It’s clear that thoughts impact emotions and choices, but to further convey the reason this topic is important, below are two examples of how beliefs influence how our bodies respond to events.

In 2011, a team from Yale conducted an experiment to understand if the belief about nutrition could change the body’s response to food. In the study, subjects were given a 380 calorie milkshake under the pretense that it was either a 620 calorie “indulgent” shake or a 140 calorie “sensible” shake. Those who drank what they thought was the “indulgent” high-fat, high-calorie shake had a dramatically steeper decline in hunger (measured by a chemical in the blood called ghrelin) after drinking it. Those who thought they were drinking the “sensible” low-fat, low-calorie calorie shake had a flat ghrelin response. The body responded to identical food intake in the same way it would had the calories been high or low – even though the shake itself was neither. Follow on studies has shown everything from how just thinking about sugar can change insulin, and even how the order of eating food changes our body’s response.

Another study, done in 2008, had cleaning crews in hotels report on their attitudes and habits around exercise. After this, half of the subjects were told that all the physical activity they did as part of their job was considered a good level of exercise and was healthy. The other half was not given this information. One month later, the group that framed work as beneficial to their health dropped weight and lowered blood pressure compared to the group with no instruction. The simple reframing of perception and belief helped the body to respond and the behavior to follow. This research further pushed the idea that the placebo effect may apply far outside of just subjective things – into our objective perceptions. Of course we know this to be the case now.

In the end – having all the tools and strategies in the world are only useful if one has the intention to use them. And using them might only need a belief to start. One of Carol Dwecks’ mentees recently (June 2020) studied this – calling it a Strategic Mindset (of course). A strategic mindset appears to encourage the person to search for and try out new strategies, consult with mentors, or seek out other experts. It anchors on asking oneself “Is there a way to do this better next time”.

It’s a belief that regardless of how things are going – there may still be a better way. Now that’s an attitude worth adopting.

This section has tidbits from around the web that are typically on Dads minds.

Upleveling Mental Strength

Years of research into thoughts, emotions, and resilience packaged into one mega resource. If you have ever considered exploring or developing your mental game, this may be a good jumping off point to see what resonates.