WHO AM I

First, what is meant by identity?

Science is filled with many theories on this topic… called Identity, Self-Identity, Self-Concept, Self-Image, Self-Perception, Self-Categorization, Personal Orientation and more.

The area that (currently) most closely and broadly captures the answer to “Who Am I?” is called, in psychology, “Self-Concept”. The root of self concept is that an individual’s beliefs about himself or herself become who they are.

We all have both a personal (internal) identity and a social (external) identity, based on various beliefs.

The internal Identity is the image/belief of who you are as well as who you want to be. This includes how you see yourself (sometimes called self-image), the extent to which you value yourself (self-esteem / self-worth), and who/what you’d like to be (sometimes called the ideal self). Taking this a little further, individuality is how we are uniquely separate from others, and can be displayed via things such as individual “fashion”, etc.

The external Identity is how you and others perceive who you are, based on what you do, say, and how you look, in society. This social identity is how we fit into “groups” or differentiate from other “groups”.

Our self-concept or identity is shaped by our genetics, childhood experiences, by culture, by the environment, and by society. Identity is never “final” – it changes and adjusts through the lifespan as we experience new things, gain new knowledge, and update the models our brain uses. Knowing one’s identity accurately can increase clarity on our self worth and bring more contentment to life more often.

At the core, identity starts with our beliefs about ourselves and how we fit into the world.

THINKING ABOUT IDENTITY

To better understand self – let’s start with two foundational concepts covered previously:

1) how words influence behavior
2) how the brain categorizes things

Words We Use

• Words become thoughts
• Thoughts (attitudes, beliefs) become actions
• Actions become who you are (and who you are perceived to be)

This is a key pillar of mindsets and thought management that also applies to understanding who we are. Beliefs are what shape perceptions to events and of the world. Beliefs also shape perceptions about ourselves and our worth.

Similar to various approaches to mindsets, attitudes, and belief – and just as they can help or hinder – the same applies to how we see ourselves.

It all starts with the words we use.

Categorization

Brains interpret the world only as much as they can categorize it. Brains do this through a process called categorization, which starts off mostly as “compare and contrast”, “this not that”, to find the extremes in differences. Big, Small. Up, Down. Hot, Cold. Cat, Dog. Heaven, Hell. Threat, Safe… etc. This applies to objects, actions, and concepts. It’s how we understand other people, which is called social categorization. It’s also how we understand ourselves.

This compare/contrast 1:1 categorization, along with language (words), are part of the main learning pathways that build the mental models used by the brain. The brain categorizes people/things/concepts into meaningful units and attaches labels (words) to them. We start, as children, with simple representations that build complexity over time. When mental models have less depth in a concept area, the brain uses bias, including stereotypes, to fill out missing parts of the model. This can be useful in some areas, but can be detrimental in other areas.

When it comes to identity – internal and external beliefs about self form through this process. The brain uses images initially, then labels to understand that we are a part of this, and not a part of that.

Quick reminder: continue to use compare/contrast language/words with babies as you describe the world and objects in it. It’s the way they learn… via “this vs that”.

WHEN LABELS MALFUNCTION

Labels, early in life, are very useful in making meaning of the world. When complexity goes up, however, this idea of labelling can break down – especially when it comes to the complexities of human thought and behavior. Yet this default mode of the brain often continues the process of labeling when it comes to people and self – “black”, “rich”, “smart”, “fat”, etc. This can be dangerous.

When it comes to people, labels attach us to people like us or separate us from people who are not like us. Labels do not generally have the depth or nuance to build rich mental models regarding people. Labels are high level and don’t often describe individual experiences in a meaningful way. Labels often lean toward stereotypes. They work for objects – but malfunction for people, even though labels are often what shapes aspects of identity.

When labels are used as fixed traits or narrow descriptors, they can create challenges for ourselves and divisions to others. The words that describe self will build beliefs which drive actions. When we say “I am {diet preference}”… or “I am {political preference}”, which are labels, it can create beliefs about how we think of self and of others. It can also close ourselves off from learning about others. It can also increase our risk of identity destruction.

“Label Disaster”

An an example, in working with several top tier skateboarders prior to skateboarding being announced as an olympic sport for the 2020 Olympic games in Japan (canceled due to covid-19), it was remarkable to watch the shift in identity of these skaters from “I am a skater” and the behaviors (often stereotypical) that went along with it, to “I am an athlete” – an adaptive label which modified the skateboard identity to a new set of behaviors needed to better pursue Olympic gold.

However this then runs the risk of what often happens when athletes shape their identity around a goal such as winning an olympic medal. Once that goal is achieved they can find themselves in a deep depression partly due to loss of identity. From Michael Phelps to Alexi Pappas the fall can be catastrophic. A late 2020 New York Times piece on Alexi Pappas is a well done insight into identity disruption and her path forward. [YouTube, 5min 32sec]

Identity changes as life changes, and if built too tightly on narrow labels or a narrow set of labels – a sudden change in life, a debilitating injury, a sudden change of job, a loss of a loved one – can create challenges in how we move forward if we were entrenched in a narrow set of beliefs.

Parenting “culture” suffers a lot from labels, though fathers seem to be more insulated from this than mothers. Everything from parenting type labels to food journey labels to sleep training labels – they often create emotional parental identity divisions. Additionally identity can be altered by environment, changes to health status, changes due to mid/later life development – and again more for moms – disruption of the body, visual change due to pregnancy or post birth recovery, menopause, feeling like a failure because of an arbitrary belief of what the label “mom” means.

In the end, many factors shape the way we uniquely think and experience the world, yet labels don’t tend to capture our unique hopes, dreams, fears, or talents or what we all have in common. They don’t generally aid in building self worth or building a more vivid and stable sense of self. What has been shown to work best is to anchor on the things that light us up, that bring out our passions, and the things we value.

“Who Am I?” becomes “What Matters To Me?”

FROM LABELS TO VALUES

The way around label malfunction is to take a lot at how you currently answer the question “Who Am I?” and then look to chisel your identity, self worth, and from what matters to you, what you value, what you find important – and, over time, remove the labels that hinder. Both exercises can be done with others.

Try These

Identity Map

Grab paper and a pencil or whatever medium is preferred. Write your name in the middle and then from that branch out all the words or labels that describe you in as many dimensions as possible.

Below is an example of a mind map where a person describes their self-concept in terms of five roles: social, professional, sporting, family and cultural. Each role is broken down again into the specific roles the person plays. Your can include anything that you identify with or hold a role in. It may also include attributes about yourself.

Look at the finished list/map. What is being described? Are these labels or interests? Could they hurt or hinder? Are they “Who You Are”?

Values

When we know our values, we can find a truer sense of self and we can pursue meaningful goals. Values, as a concept, is overcomplicated. One’s values are simply the things that are important – the things that matter – the things that one values in their journey through life. The next step in deeper exploration of identity is to explore values.

Try this simple exercise: Each morning for 9 days, start with a fresh piece of paper or document, set a 2 min timer and write down what is important to you. Don’t think too much, just write it down what you value. On the 10th day, review the 9 lists, compile them and rank order the lists in what is most and least important. These are what you currently value. To explore new values, the list can be looked at in regard to what one does NOT value or appreciate. The list can also be added to regarding specific contexts, such as what one values in conversations, in relationships, in work, in play, and in new roles, such as raising a kid.

The overall goal is to move from narrow labels toward beliefs based on values. And as we go through life, if we were to look at our identity as developing many aspects of self through values, we can more easily and more regularly find our true self. Additionally, when we develop multiple aspects of our “identity”, based on values, this gives more buckets in life to view oneself as someone with value or worth.

DUDE TO DAD

The transition into fatherhood can cause a seismic shift for many men – from newfound joy, values, and love – to shedding some of the things that defined us prior to becoming a father and adopting new labels and values – to internal struggles of what it means to be a father or even what it means to be a man… what masculinity means in this new context.

In early days for babies, their initial internal identity comes from temperament, language interactions (words we use), the actions observed, and the influence of culture and society around them. Understanding self can help our kids to develop healthy aspects of self. As fathers, alongside all caregivers in the early years, we are uniquely positioned to build on things or block things based on our life experiences and what we perceive would help our children as they develop.

Some dads anchor on the label of “Dad” as part of identity, in bios or social media, and this can create behavior where “Dad” is prioritized over other areas of identity (in a label approach) such as husband, partner, friend, worker, etc. This can cause these areas to suffer. In reframing this change based on values we can transition into this new chapter in life without losing ourselves or overly swinging our identity pendulum too far in one direction.

For your consideration: Many other fathers have found success in adopting values from leadership and teamwork. What if we looked at the family unit as a team and reframing roles and worth as a team. What if we reframe the behavior and culture within a family similar to the dynamics of the workplace or of a sports team. Working for and with people that set us up for success are better experiences than toxic environments that many have had to be subjected to. It may be helpful to look at oneself and ask if you’d like to work for someone like you. Would you feel empowered or beaten down? Can we anchor on values of the team and shape the family culture – a culture where failure is ok, where it’s part of learning and growing, where learning and supporting is valued, where patience is a part of moving forward.

The mileage will vary depending on the family, but In the end, what do you want your dad identity to be about? Your family values? What is important to you as a dad, in yourself, in your relationships, and with respect to your child? Has there been any change of outlook? Have you evaluated or reevaluated what is important (amongst the daily stressors of course)? What kind of culture do you want to create?

When we focus on what we value we get to control the narrative of our identity.