ROUTINE THINGS

Routines are things we do every day, or weekly, with some pattern or regularity. They can also be thought of as behaviors that are repeated over time or in combination with other actions.

In the context of raising kids and family life – the research is in agreement – routines create expectable/predictable environments and humans work well having various forms of routines. (“Performance Routines” are a big secret weapon in the elite athlete and high performance world – having routines that prime the body and mind for certain actions.)

One of the leading researchers in the field of family routines and family resiliency is Barbara Fiese, PhD, Professor Emerita, Human Development & Family Studies. Much of her work has informed and influenced the modern research which has shown that routines in early life have connections to later Social Emotional Health, learning, and focus and attention, and help kids with their sense of personal identity.

Daily and weekly routines include *bedtime, *mealtime, *reading, chores, regular phone/video contact with relatives, winding down in the evenings, brushing teeth, getting some sunlight daily, dad-kid time, etc. Weekly could also include things like outings, or grocery store visits, “park days”, Mommy-Daddy Time, etc.

Routines are fairly predictable within reason or on average.

Barbara’s research really refined some of the characteristics around family routines and rituals. Rituals are the things that we do that bring meaning to routines. Rituals make things memorable, personal, and social. Rituals are more symbolic – they are the “this is who we are, and how we do things” aspect of routines. They are where culture and family meld into what we look forward to and who we will continue to be across generations. These can be daily things like prayer/gratitude at meal/bed times, as well as the celebrations and traditions like family reunions, a unique way to celebrate birthdays, or Sunday dinner to provide times for togetherness and strengthening family relationships.

When we look through this lens, it’s easier to see how context and routine are what families can shape in ways to bolster the social emotional health for every family member.

Routines have been found to foster a sense of autonomy in kids as they develop (and for parents) while still maintaining connections as a family as a whole.

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Personal values and cultural values are often what shape initial routines that naturally occur. It’s been about 9 months with a kid at this point – consider taking an inventory of your family routines. See what’s good, what’s not as good and work on the changes that would serve the members of the family best. Here are a few questions to use as springboards. This can be a useful exercise to do as a family.

What are activities that you regularly engage in as a family, look forward to, and would miss if not regularly practiced as a family? What pre-existing routines could be made even better? What are the rituals?

What activities do you regularly engage in as a family – that you do not look forward to – things that maybe cause challenge or negative interaction? How could these pre-existing routines be made better or tweaked? Could a change of ritual be of benefit?

What pre-existing routines might be good to eliminate or what new routines might be useful to create?

“Naturally occurring family routines and meaningful rituals provide both a predictable structure that guides behavior and an emotional climate that supports early development. When routines are disrupted, it may be a hassle; when rituals are disrupted, family cohesion is threatened. Routines and rituals can be used to support whole family functioning.” – Barbara Feise

In the end, with any routine or plan – it’s important to approach with flexibility. Unlike schedules, which are often more rigid like the time a train is supposed to arrive and depart – if we are rigid in our routines and rituals, it can cause mismanaged expectations and avoidable stressors. Plans change, things happen. All that can be done with intention is to set the family up for success, but do it with some flexibility.

If you have any special rituals you’d like to share – we’d love to hear them.

Routines help support healthy minds.

A review of 50 years of research (Barbara Feise, et al., 2002) in the areas of family routines and rituals showed:

”First, families do engage in routines and rituals that are an important part of contemporary family life. Although families may be challenged to meet the busy demands of juggling work and home, there is reason to believe that routines and rituals may ease the stress of daily living. Second, culture plays an important role in the expression of routines and rituals. Policies that are sensitive to such differences and celebrate unique traditions may pave the way for a more informed stance in respecting family diversity. These dynamics are especially important during times of change or instability in a family. A child can anchor on the routines for stability in chaos.”

It’s quite simple and powerful. Consider checking in, from time to time, on your family routines and tweak as needed. The important part is that families will have patterns and habits based on values and culture and as such, the easiest place to start is with tweaks or subtle shifts. Humans like predictable transitions as well – understanding and being a part of the why.

For consideration in creating some new routines or balancing for the family or for self or to support the relationships in the home – consider the “Mind Platter” model from Dr Dan Siegel, head of the Mindsight Institute at UCLA, and a multi-best selling parenting book author, alongside co-author Tina Bryson.

The idea is to make space, as impossible as that might sound from time to time, for each of these categories. Watch Dr Siegel explain it – [YouTube, 5min 45sec]

Raising kids requires juggling a lot of new things, giving up on other things, and making plans that involve an entirely new person. In the end routines can help, and rituals can amplify.