MODERN TECH + THE POWER OF WHY

The transition of life pre-baby to life with a baby, regardless of the number of kids, involves a bit of change. Some are obvious, some a bit less. Some habits from pre-baby life might be of benefit and some might not be as useful in the present situation.

Here are a few things to consider:

MODERN TECH HABITS

National reports show that close to 85% of males in the US, above the age of 18 years, have smartphones. These reports also indicate that smartphone users, on average, spend around 2 hours a day on texting, apps, and social media. This might come from 50 short checks here and there, or the “where did the last hour just go” facebook, TikTok, Instagram, Reddit decompression binge. For some it is a borderline addiction, especially if work or hobby revolves around smartphone usage.

It’s a fact of life – we rely on our smartphones for just about everything these days. No way around it, but a few tweaks can help create a more balanced and positive tech environment at home.

Try These:

Usage Inventory

Take a look at how often you are on your mobile device (many phones have usage checkers). What’s your attitude about your usage time? Is it causing any social disconnects?

Avoid Expressionless Dad Face

Try to refrain from silently texting or surfing on your mobile phone around your baby. If you need to glance at your device for work or a fresh meme, try to stay engaged with your baby as you do it – read it to them, explain what you are doing. Their brains aren’t yet wired to understand what is meant by “a blank faced Dad staring into a glowing rectangle of importance”. See Why Section for… WHY.

Text Neck and Brain

The modern body and mind have been trying to compensate for the use of modern tech, and the tradeoffs can be a bit undesirable – some people may be growing longer bone spurs on the skull from the extra load caused by the poor posture of “looking down” neck. If you’ve got neck, wrist, thumb, eyesight pain – work in some breaks, change up your posture, or add in some stretches to counter the effects. Cell phone usage has also been shown to narrow peripheral vision, and reduce attention. Tweaks start with awareness then build into better habits.

Digital Manners

Have a Siri, Alexa, Google Home, or other “assistant” or robot? If so, how do you speak to it? Do you tell it what to do? Do you ask for that song or timer with a please or thank you? These devices haven’t been around long enough to study how kids develop socially based on what they observe in our digital assistant interactions. It’s not clear if these interactions can be used to teach positive social exchanges or if more blunt and commanding interactions frame these devices as servants or slaves. If you value teaching your child manners, it likely does no harm to use them with the robot in the room.

THE POWER OF WHY

Human brains naturally seek to understand why, what, and how. Learning to think of the why and explain it prepares you for many things – explaining emotions to your baby as more come online, and even exploring dynamics of behaviors and decisions in yourself and others. It also prepares you for the barrage of “WHY?” you’ll get between 2 years and 12 years. There is a power in WHY that makes it a Dad Skill worth developing.

Try This:

Explain Why

Get some practice by explaining the why of things to your baby. Why we work, why we use our modern tech, why we use forks and spoons, why we live the way we do, why we use the restroom, and why we might feel the way we do. Try putting a WHY to the emerging feelings and behaviors in your child (you may already be doing this internally as you decipher their communications and expression). As they express feelings such as anger, sadness, surprise, and fear – attach some words to it “You were surprised because of the sudden noise” – “You are feeling angry because you are hungry – that’s called being hangry”..

Explore Why

There is a simple, yet powerful, technique used regularly in the problem solving world as a root cause analysis tool in the workplace. It is equally useful when applied to self and to others. It’s called the “5 Whys” technique and it helps explain the root of a problem, behavior, decision, or feeling. The main benefit is getting to the root of something quick so it can be understood and/or changed. Why did I get mad? Why is my kid over tired? Why did I do X? Why did Y happen? Consider exploring Why the next time something comes up – it’s a simple way to start a dialogue instead of a conflict. More HERE.

And as always – we are here if you need us. Shoot us a note here.

Why are we talking about Why? And Why does it matter?

Well, aside from the fact that it’s a word you’re going to hear a lot from your child – there is some real science on the power of understanding and communicating the underlying principles behind words and actions to children (and adults).

The human brain wants to understand why, what, and how. This is how it makes sense of the world. In action – this is also one reason you get so many slow drivers at a traffic accident – we are programmed to need to know. WHY is part of learning cause and effect in a more complex way. WHY is a foundation for curiosity, creativity, and critical thinking. It’s a powerful word that can foster understanding or set up challenge and push for change.

Question asking has been researched and regularly shown that the brain finds these kinds of serve and return interactions very rewarding, especially when they elicit an opinion from others. The book 1-2-3 Magic, by Dr Thomas Phelan, demonstrates using the power of asking why and explaining why in working through discipline (which really just means supporting how children learn behavior) and building relationships of respect with children. His communication techniques and methodology, which have been scientifically validated, apply more tactically to children between ages 2 years and 12 years – so while there is no need to deep dive into this today (we’ve got you covered at the appropriate time), it’s useful to get in the practice of communicating the why, over the next 12+ months. It’s an easy thing to do now to gain a parenting advantage later.

The science behind WHY has also been widely praised in recent years throughout business, sports, and other performance minded industries. One of the people to start this movement, in leadership and business, was Simon Sinek, a former RAND researcher and author of multiple books on leadership and connection. He also gave one of the Top 5 highest viewed Ted Talks on a concept he researched called the Golden Circle – essentially on the power of why (tho sometimes this concepts gets overthought and misinterpreted).

The golden circle is a way that inspiring leaders, such as Martin Luther King Jr and others, tend to communicate. They progress through the why, how, and what, which have been scientifically shown to be deeply tied to function of the emotional and rational systems in the brain. Asking questions and exploring the WHY are also the traits of great coaches, leaders, teachers, anc creators. Human beings are literally wired to naturally think in these terms, yet many of us have little experience in exploring and embracing this power skill. It’s especially useful as a father to help support and encourage our children as they explore the world and try to make sense of it.

Bringing the big picture back to baby. Your baby will get frustrated at some point, (at a lot of points) if they haven’t already, and although the complexity behind frustration may be lost on your baby, it’s useful to begin to explore ways to explain what frustration is. Labeling and discussing various emotions lays the groundwork for future understanding of why emotions, like frustration, bubble up. This helps them build brain circuits to eventually react in a balanced way emotionally. More in a future progression.

As fathers we can develop and nurture an environment of slowing down, asking and exploring – by simply addressing the why, what, and the how of life in the way we speak with our baby. It’s a good time to start ramping up the practice of being there to bring meaning to the world through the Why of things, specifically starting with a routine for labeling and explaining emotions.

WHY is also why this WHY section exists. Over a few years of testing approaches to bring science of human development to dads – it became clear that the disconnect in most approaches was that they didn’t showcase the importance or background behind why kids develop the way they do. We are always striving to find the best ways to convey this – so if you have any feedback, shoot a note -> brandon@fantasticdads.com.

Regarding WHY and Modern Tech… Why should excessive cell phone use in front of babies be avoided? A famous experiment, developed by developmental psychologist Edward Tronick in the 1970’s, called The “Still Face” experiment showed that there is a negative effect when parents go silent all of the sudden, affecting babies both physically and emotionally. The human brain is wired for social connection, so in the early stages, when it misses that, it tends to upset the system. This experiment has been recreated numerous times with similar results [Dad Version, YouTube, 4min 28sec]. Cell use in front of children hasn’t been rigorously studied, however it’s not much of a stretch to connect the Still Face to the way many of us look when we use our smartphones.

Engaged fathers and mothers tend to produce kids with more positive outcomes. In reality, “engaged” is an ebb and flow – so shooting for an engaged average is a good target. Raising kids has some basic principles, with a lot of nuance. Don’t beat yourself up over this – no one is perfect, no one knows it all – but a little awareness and some WHY can help us wing it a bit less and find more reward and growth in the journey of fatherhood.