YEAR IN REVIEW

The goal over this past year has been to help inform ways to better understand kids and their development while finding a deeper understanding of self in the context of raising kids – hopefully with a bit of fun and little less stress. Raising kids is full of challenges, and honestly, the game has changed a lot in the 30 years – in good and not so good ways across a wide range of “parenting practices”. It’s sometimes hard to know what to focus on, what to believe, and over this past year I truly hope you’ve found some personal sense of direction for you and your family in the ways you think about, approach, and engage in raising your kid. We hope this first year has indeed helped build some FUNdamentals.

Here’s bringing it all together with an eye on the future.

DEVELOPMENT = BRAIN BUILDING

The human brain is built for two things – to survive and to be social.

As the brain develops and changes, fires and wires, tunes and prune – beyond basic needs for survival – the richness of experiences, relationships and connections to others ultimately drives many of the ways we see ourselves and others. These brain circuits are wiring from the beginning and fathers have a very unique role in the experiences of their kids.

CONNECTIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS

In terms of father-child connection, dads tend to bring a unique sense of adventure, play, curiosity, silliness, and inquisitiveness – which are all icing to what science has found are at the core of human connection.

The four areas that seem to best help with and support emotional connection, bond, and relationship of a baby/kid and a dad (or caregiver) are:

GAZE – how we look at them and how they look at us; connecting through eyes and faces.
VOCALIZATION – what we say and how we say it (tone, etc)
AFFECT – how we express and navigate emotions together
TOUCH – how we use positive physical contact

Obviously all of these have nuance, overlap and depth, but these four are the main pathways that connections between typically developing humans form… (followed by use of written words and symbols/images as a 5th facet, as we get older).

This connection, if supported, is what builds the foundation for confident exploration in the world. As kids learn that they can come to you when needed, and can trust you, they build confidence in exploring their surroundings with a developing mind of their own. It might feel hard to let them (safely) fail or to experience temporary discomfort, but these things together give us confidence and a sense of control in the things we do. Combine that with just the right support and boundaries, and we can allow them to build the internal motivation systems and esteem that helps keep life more interesting long into the future. This assists in building healthy relationships across many areas of life – which means they might find happiness more often.

MOVE, THINK, FEEL

Moving beyond the core and to the framework we use…

Developing brains thrive on predictability in routine and response, while favoring novelty in play and exploration – use that! All knowledge is built through the senses. We fire and wire, we tune and we prune with every experience.

Set up play through the senses and different modes, crawling, rolling, twisting, squeezing, touching, smelling, etc. Music, art gallery, reading, being messy, dry, wet, sticky, rolling a ball, tracking an object, challenging balance and coordination, big moves, small fine moves, fingers and toes – all ways to move, think, feel.

And back to what Dad’s tend to bring…

DAD SKILLS

The skill of quality caregiving gets a unique boost from “Dad as Coach”.

This involves the skill of finding the right level of support and encouragement to help keep the little one in a zone of optimal challenge. It’s the skill of how these private and social interactions build their identity through the words we use and the way we use them, from praise to feedback.

It’s the skill of how we balance boundaries with being there to support when needed, being seen as a safe home base for exploration, and helping them develop a mind of their own.

And we hope you’ve leveled up in some ways over this past year on the resilience and hardiness fronts – either by practice or trial by fire. Few experiences rival the opportunity to build some toughness like having kids does. If you came in a zen dad or have been leveling up – remember to pass it on – the world needs more hardiness. In the end, finding ways to be adaptable, flexible, and dig a bit deeper in the patience department will help tremendously. And of course, a long slow exhale for the win. But sometimes it’s as simple as a focus on what’s in your control vs out (kids bring the out dynamic regularly).

And while science understands a lot, there is a pretty big caveat to acknowledge. The majority of studies on specific topics like co-regulation, serve and return, attachment, etc were conducted in W.E.I.R.D. populations (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, Democratic societies). This represents about 12 percent of the world’s populations, yet accounts for around 80 percent of science in these domains. This is the nature of science, and while non-W.E.I.R.D. studies are slowly trickling in that help us understand individualized context within ethnicities/backgrounds, I try to bring in material that aims to avoid too much generalizing from the W.E.I.R.D. world, while striving to get to the core of things.

And to this point, just as there are “technical models” of what “pristine” biomechanical crawling looks like, for example – there are always layers of individual context that contribute to what level of “technical” can be achieved. These technical models (often generalized and which change with additional research) are excellent reference points and guideposts, but must always be balanced against real world and situational context. Temperament and personality can also create sensitivities across all this – and throw a wrench in “best practices”. In the end, efficient or optimal, is simply the best/closest implementation of the technical model in any given moment, in any given context. And good thing no one told Usain Bolt, the fastest man on earth in his time, that he had scoliosis. With an understanding of fundamentals within our own context, anything is possible!

So cheers to the journey so far, the up and downs, and cheers to the ever developing relationship. That’s all that really matters at the core across the life span.